Monday, September 17, 2012
A broken heart. A mind-bending twist. A story better left untold.
I looked around at the shattered pieces of my mom's wedding vase. I couldn't help but cry, and I see blood flow from me. I was trying to remember what got me here, and my head ached and suddenly I blacked out. It wasn't the best state to be found in, but that's how John found me. Half dead, blood everywhere, and broken glass surrounding me.
A forgotten promise. A subconscious pain.
"Katy,are you okay?"
his voice echoed through my brain, as my eyes fluttered open. An undeniable scent of air freshener filled the air, and the walls were plain white. I tried to move my right hand, then I realized that I was hooked on to something.
"Jo-John?" I managed to mutter.
He immediately let out a sigh, and held my left hand tightly. He stood up to call the doctor, and went back in. I felt a pang of sharp pain on my stomach, and as the pain subsided, the doctor came in. He wore a foolish smile, as he saw me awake.
"Mrs. Katy Jones. I see you're awake now."
I squeezed John's hand as I felt another pang of pain.
The doctor asked, and I nodded immediately.
"It seems like your baby is still twisting knots inside."
My heart dropped. I felt blood rush to my head. Baby?!
"I forgot to congratulate you by the way, you're eight weeks pregnant." The doctor continued.
I felt like fainting again. A BABY?! That's when I remembered. John isn't supposed to be here. He's the devil who put me in this state in the first place. He has to leave before-
"Oh, and Mr. Jones, please do take care of your wife. This accident shouldn't happen again." The doctor concluded and finally, he left.
A beautiful lie. An ugly truth.
"John, I can DO this. Leave me alone already."
He kept helping me with my breakfast like I'm some retard.
"Stop it okay? Go home."
I gave him a sharp look, and I continued eating on my own.
"For pete's sake Katy! Let me at least help you with something! I don't want to be a useless father!" His voice echoed through the room, and I couldn't help but feel a little scared.
"You're not useless," I finally said. "I just hate it here. That's all. I want to get out already."
I lay down my bed and started to sob. I hate crying. Especially in front of jerks like John.
"Jeez Katy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scream at you like that."
I looked at him in the eye and asked "Do you really WANT this baby?"
He looked away, then finally said, "I'm not sure. But I want to be responsible for this kid. I want to take care of both of you."
I felt rage creep into my skin, waiting secretly to be revealed. "We don't NEED you."
I turned away, not able to meet his eyes. He slammed the door behind him, leaving me to the sound of the AC buzzing.
An offered help. A beg for forgiveness.
My stomach ached throughout the month, and before each check up, I was scared that the doctor would say my baby is dead. I grew attached to the living creature lurking inside me, talked to "it" ever since I left the hospital. I had an appointment today after work, and I swear, my heart was racing when I reached for the door. When I peeped in to look at the doctor, I was surprised so see another person in, who beamed at me the minute our eyes met.
"Hello. You look surprised. I'm Doctor Jacobs. Doctor Kent went on a vacation for a month so I filled in for him."
I slowly sat down and shook the stranger's hand, unsure if I should trust my baby with this person.
"What can I do for you today?" He gave me a winning smile, and I only blinked at this.
"Well, I'm on a routine check up. Doc said that I had to come here every other week." I tried not to look too comfortable, as he looked through my records.
"Well, let's take a look at your baby shall we?" I lied down and pulled my blouse up, as the doctor scanned my baby.
"Well Ms. Kate, seems like your baby has a playmate."
I looked at the screen and saw another head, 2 more hands and legs. I was shocked knowing I had twins, and it was hard to believe that I had 2 living things inside of me. I thanked the doctor, and gave him another handshake. He gave me that winning smile again before I closed the door.
Another life. Another hope.
When I got home, I was surprised to see John outside.
"Katy,you look, blooming."
I smiled at him politely, and said "That's what I get for having two kids at the same time."
His jaw dropped to the floor as I got into the house.
"TWO?!" He exclaimed at me, wide eyed and shocked.
I sighed before saying, "Yes, two. Don't bother even trying to help me, cause I'm going to raise them on my own."
I walked past him and went to the kitchen, where he followed me. He ran his fingers through his hair as he went near me.
"Look Katy, I want to help you. You're still married to me, technically. Anyway we're just separated right?"
I looked at him straight in the eyes and said "I've already filed for the divorce papers, so you don't have any right over these kids because they aren't even born yet. You do not have a sense of responsibility over these children, nor will I ask you to. So leave me alone. You already left me once, you could do it again."
I turned my back at him, and went up to my room. The moment I locked the door, I burst out crying, pained to see my soon-to-be-ex and soon-to-be-dad of my kids. He still has this effect on me, and I can't move on easily knowing I'm carrying his genes inside me. The thought is nauseating. I heard the porch door click, and a moment later I hear him pull out the highway.
"There he goes babies." I whisper to my stomach. "Daddy's gone."
2 new lives bloom. One intertwined with the other.
It's been 9 months and 3 weeks since John left me. He didn't even bother to call me even when I texted him that the babies were born. So I didn't bother writing him down as a legal guardian on their birth certificates. The two boys were born in a beautiful May day, and my family supported me all the way.
Though I still lived in our apartment that I won in court, they visited me every other day, checking in on the twins and me. When I had to work my sister would come over and did her work at home to watch the kids. I was so thankful of my family, but slowly I felt like a burden to them.
My sister moved in after a month, and we both took charge of taking charge of the baby. Things went well until one night when her boyfriend asked her to marry him. She moved out, and I was left alone with two 3 year old boys. Joseph, the eldest, looked like his dad. Blue eyes, brown hair, and was just so hyper. Jonathan, took after me, quiet and timid, with blond hair. They were everything I had, and I cherished them both. I just hope that maybe someday, they would get to meet their dad. It may not be today, but maybe when they're old enough to understand.
A life-threatening disease. A life, lost in the sands of time.
As I took my kids to a check up, I felt a headache. I got dizzy for a moment, but I recovered remembering I was driving with my two treasures in the front seat.
"Mama!" Joe said.
I looked at him briefly and asked, "Yes baby?"
He cutely pointed at me, and laughed. I didn't know why, but I laughed with him. Nathan kept quiet as usual, and I know he's nervous about going to the doctor.
"Nathan honey! Blow mommy a kiss!" I said, trying to cheer him up.
He put his hand on his mouth and kissed it and blew it to me. He smiled, just as we were parking at the hospital.
"Now you two behave ok? I'm giving you lollipops after the check up."
They both beamed at the word, and sat down on the waiting room while I got their names listed. When I touched their foreheads to check if their fever went away, it was still very high. They were talking loudly though they were sick. When their names were called, they immediately bounced towards the clinic, and said hi to the doctor. I explained what was happening to them, what I've observed, and then took the boys' temperatures.
"Ms. Kate, I suggest you let your kids take a blood and urinary exam. Also, you need to confine them already in the hospital as soon as possible"
My heart went crazy, afraid of what the doctor may say about the kids. But I did what he asked me to do, and got the twins a room in the hospital. They were both easily distracted by the TV that they didn't mind when the nurses came in and took their blood. My family came and went, some stayed with me. The next day, the results were out. While my mother entertained the kids, I went out to talk with the doctor.
"Kate, I'm afraid my fear has been confirmed."
A single cold sweat streamed down from my forehead, as I urged the doctor to go on.
"Both Joe and Nathan have Leukemia. The disease your father had has been passed down to them."
Tears streamed down my face. I don't want to go through losing someone to cancer, and now I have to loose two.
"Isn't there a cure?Can't they go through medication? Anything? Please. They're all I have in this world."
The doctor nodded, then left. The next few weeks dragged on, and I was getting tired. I want my kids off these IV's and in my house safe and sound. But as days dragged on, the boys were getting weaker. The nurses say it was because of all the medication they've been getting, but a mother knows when she's losing her own kid.
One day as I went down to the canteen to drink coffee, I saw a familiar face on the door. As he neared me, I recognized John, all bearded and yet still gorgeous.
That made me breakdown in a second, and he came rushing to me, comforting me.
"We can do this." He said as he caressed my hair.
He then helped me up towards the kids' room, and I introduced him as my friend to the kids. He immediately clicked with them, making them laugh. I'm sent into a daydream where we were an actual family. In a house, not a hospital. Just then, the doctor came in and asked for my audience. I gladly stepped out of the room, and patiently waited for the doctor to talk.
"I believe, that the children have reached their final stage. Neither any medication could help, and a bone marrow transplant is not applicable since there are no matches. I suggest you ready yourself to whatever may happen to them."
I fainted in an instant, and I fell hopelessly to John's arms. He was eavesdropping, and saw me fall. My children, my sweet boys.
A loss, a desperate attempt to ease the pain.
John stayed at the hospital for a few days, and I admit he began to grow on me. One night we decided to go out and get a drink, for old times sake, and to get away from all the drama at the hospital. We drank and danced a few, then we ended up in bed together. When I woke up I immediately rushed to the hospital, wanting to know how my kids were. When I arrived they were just given one of their medicines, and their faces lit up when they saw me.
"Mommy look! I wasn't scared anymore when the doctor took my blood!" Joe exclaimed.
I smiled at him, remembering that I only had a few more moments to share with him. I went to their bed and hugged them both.
"Mommy, when are we going out? I miss all of my toys." Nathan said as he hugged me tighter.
Then I got an idea. Since there wasn't a way that they'd survive, maybe it was time to go home.
"Sure. Maybe tomorrow. Would you like that?"
He nodded his head enthusiastically. That's it. We're leaving tomorrow.
As the doctor gave his permission to let us go, I felt a sudden pang of regret. What if something happens to them at home that I couldn't aid? But i needed to be strong. At least for the boys. John had volunteered to stay at home, and told the kids to pretend that he is their dad. The kids were happy enough, and I was happy too. He began to make me feel happy again, and most nights he did.
It wasn't easy to cope with the fact that day by day the percentage that my kids are going to live decreases, but I had to hide my fears away. It just wouldn't be fair to the kids. During the few weeks that we've been together as a "family", the boys have been sent to and from the hospital everyday. We still didn't have any bone marrow matches, but maybe there was still hope.
They grew weaker, and they were confined again after only 3 weeks of being at home. When they got weaker, they were subjected to life support, using a tube to give air to their lungs. It broke my heart whenever they wouldn't respond, and I just couldn't take in the fact that I was really losing my boys. "
This is it Kate. The last juncture for the boys. I believe we've done everything we could for them. You'd be the only one who could decide to pull the plug."
The doctor said one afternoon. Pull the plug? What are my kids, a game? But as I look into their beds, I felt a strong pang of pain. They need rest. Tomorrow I'm going to do it. I set the time to 8am, and I asked the nurses to do it. End my kids' life? I know I could never do it even if I wasn't drugged. I spent hours just staring at my boys, recalling every moment I've ever shared with them. I've cried all night, till I fell asleep around 4am. And by the time I woke up it was too late, my boys were gone.
A new found life. A sanity lost.
"Kate, you have to make a speech for the boys now."
My mom has been with me through the mourning, and she was the first I could call after the boys' death. When I went upstairs I was staggering, no doubt from all the sleepless nights knowing I don't have my boys anymore. I've been crying nonstop, and John stayed at my house through those nights. He also mourned for the boys, feeling a certain pang of regret of not spending more time with them.
By the time the burial was done, my head was foggy. I've been vomiting every morning for 3 days straight, and I haven't got a lot of food in my stomach. I went home all by myself, telling John to go to his apartment. And that's when I saw them. Pictures of the boys, their toys, their favorite pictures. I went crazy, throwing the stuff around. Some vases got broken, and I've got cuts everywhere.
My stomach hurt so bad, and I couldn't stop crying. I'm all alone. I looked around at the shattered pieces of my mom's wedding vase. I couldn't help but cry, and I see blood flow from me. I was trying to remember what got me here, and my head ached and suddenly I blacked out. It wasn't the best state to be found in, but that's how John found me. Half dead, blood everywhere, and broken glass surrounding me.