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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Twelve in the morning



Jake

Twelve in the morning and I was thinking about her.
Again. 
If my brothers knew about this, I was going to get a real butt kicking for thinking about a girl.
But how couldn’t I?
She had the smallest hands a sixteen year old could have, so fragile yet coarse. She has the same hands with my mom after she comes home from the restaurant, but smaller. When I kissed her hand, it was like nothing in the world made sense. I didn’t know how I lived without kissing her hand, a small part of her.
She had cheeks that would turn pink whenever I catch her looking from the other side of the classroom, when everybody should be reading. She had cheeks that would turn pink when I called her name. She had cute cheeks.
And her smell. She always smelled like a flower garden, the way they do when you just bought them from the flower shop. Whenever she passed by me in the bus, or decided to sit beside me, all I’d do was smell her hair. She made me feel like I was floating, just by her smell.
Twelve in the morning and I was thinking about her.
And I knew I was in love.

Hannah

            Twelve in the morning and I was thinking about him.
            Again.
            My dad would get mad at me for thinking about boys when I was supposed to study for Honors Class.
            But how couldn’t I?
            He had this smile that would make butterflies feel like eagles in my tummy. He had a pink upper lip, and a brown lower one. And when he kisses my hand, he closes his eyes, like he could never get enough of kissing my hand so he has to concentrate on it.
            He has a way when he reads, the way his eyes never seem to leave the page unless he has to turn it. When he reads it’s like he’s melting into the book, but only looks my way when I stare too much. But then I’d notice his eyes, how it softens when he looks at me.
            And his voice. Whenever he talks to me it’s like he’s singing to me, and when he sings to me it’s like my ears were made to just listen to him. He speaks from his diaphragm, and he sounds strange when he has a cold. But he makes me melt with his voice, like a fire that’s never dangerous to touch.
            Twelve in the morning and I was thinking about him.

            And I knew I was in love.

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So, I submitted this to a competition, didn't get in, so I'm letting YOU guys read it! A writer needs feedback after all.

24 comments:

  1. I love the way you wrote it from each perspective. I think it's a great story and the judges of the competition must be blind!

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  2. Very cute. I know when I was in the love struck phase I often wondered what he was thinking about. Was he thinking of me. I wanted to think so. Maybe he was wondering the same things.

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  3. I love the detail of it, it is beautiful and yet innocent - clean. I think it is brilliant and actually it made me think of the little things I love about my husband, the ones that make you day dream like a little girl again.

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  4. There is nothing like young love. I am wondering if this is what they call Puppy Love? Maybe!

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  5. Shame you didn't get in to the competition. I think this is a great piece, and it actually reminds me of a former high school romance I had.

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  6. I am not a writer but I think it was very passionate and well written.

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  7. I think it's great. It's nice to hear the thinking on both sides of the fence. :)

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  8. I thought it was well written. I am sorry that it didn't get into the competition, perhaps you can resubmit at a later date?

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  9. Young love - such a beautiful topic to write about. I think this is beautifully written!

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  10. I like it!!! It's very sweet! So MY feedback is rather positive LOL

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  11. I love that you wrote it from both perspectives. This is really sweet!

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  12. oh I love this young love story. When you are in love that's all you can think about

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  13. You should have definitely got in! I love all of your writing including this!

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  14. I think this is cute. It's just long enough to pique my interest in the characters.

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  15. I like the different perspectives, but maybe you should show more and tell less? I don't really know, I love reading fiction but I never write it anymore.

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  16. Excellent! I love this. I would have picked you. And my son's name is Jake so that makes it even more wonderful.

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  17. I'm so sorry that you didn't get in!! I wish I could help but I don't know anything about poetry. I just don't "get" it!!
    Tiffany

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  18. You are a great writer. Are you writing a book? I am so intrigued with writers. Thanks for sharing!

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  19. I want to know more about these characters!

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  20. I love little writings like this! I dont know why it didnt get picked-it's awesome!!

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  21. Like the concept. Want to know what happens next :) Is this a portion of a book or what???

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  22. What a beautiful story and I like the time factor there. It held my attention. I do hope you win.

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  23. I think it's a sweet story! Thank you for letting us read it! The only thing I can think of: why is Hannah supposed to be studying at midnight? :)

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  24. I find myself thinking about people and things very late in the evening too. There is something about that time of the day for reflecting.

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